Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
