I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
