i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
