halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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