Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
