Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
