so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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