Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
