The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
