i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
