all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
