I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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