Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
