there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
