Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Semen is not good for contacts.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
