it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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