At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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