It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
