He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
