I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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