I need to stop coming to work sober
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
