Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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