is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
