I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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