I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
