This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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