when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
