At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
