I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
as a side note pls kill me
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
