so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
