They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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