that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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