thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
