Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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