ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
