My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
