did you get engaged???
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
