No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
