Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
