we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
