i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
