She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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