It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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