When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I don't deserve a penis
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Randomize
