is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
