I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
