I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
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