so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
