If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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