Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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